Happy thoughts...

My last day of work is in 2 days, wow.  Although I have been planning this for a while I guess I never really thought it would happen - seems to be an ongoing theme in my life.  I have my exit interview on Friday and my benefits review and the lawyer that I've been in contact with through the CF foundation will be filing my SSD paperwork soon.  I decided to go into the actual office on Friday for my exit interview, whether it's for better or worse there are things that I need to say and get off of my chest (besides literally my lungs) and  I do want to see people.  It looks like the fundraising is 95% approved so hopefully all of that will be a go as I have to start paying for COBRA soon and will have no income until the SSD kicks in.  So the big news is I had my UPenn appointment yesterday, it seems that they all agree that I have done everything that I needed to do and all is in order, I just need to provide them with proof of my COBRA insurance which I should have within the next couple of weeks.  Once this is in order I can be listed, the doc said that once listed I won't have to wait more than 12 months.  Even as I type this I can't believe it.  All of the frustrations and tears and determination and endless phone calls (which I hate to make due to my stutter) are paying off.  I know that things can still go wrong, never think for a minute that you are 'home free' but it is amazing to know that the process may actually be starting soon.  There are still so many thoughts running through my mind, what happens if I get worse and die waiting, what happens if I go through the surgery and it is not successful and even more that are far too morbid for me to even admit to myself that they exist.  But without the negative there would be no positive and this is what I need to focus on.  So for today, for this hour, for this minute things are good and my thoughts are happy.  

I sent an e-mail out to about 100 or so employees of my company, people that I have met through the years and who have been a part of my life explaining my situation, the responses that I received were beautiful, so many people sending positive thoughts and wishes, even several personal stories about others who have known transplant recipients.  I will save these e-mails and cherish them always. 

So I guess the bottom line is it's okay to have sad thoughts and it's okay to have bad days when you just want to throw in the towel, without these things we wouldn't have any sense of being grateful for what we do have or what we are given.  Even the possibility that I may be given the gift of new lungs and a new chance at life is surreal; people are rooting for you and pulling for you even when you can't do it yourself.  

Hopefully I will have more time to blog soon :)

Thanks for reading and caring and sending positive thoughts and prayers, they comfort me and bring me back to a better place when I need them most.